Journal

  1. H₂éwsōs 1/12/24

    THE DAWN. This is the first entry in what is very likely(Determinism violation?) a long list of them, because uh, a lot of stuff tends to happen to me. So yeah! This is technically the second entry, actually. Yesterday I did a little test run, but the place looked like crap, so yeah. Regardless, the sun rises!

  2. ...Photo finish? 1/18/24

    It has been a week, kind of? That doesn't matter, this doesn't matter. Anyways, over the course of the week, I realize I am overpowered with emotion... Now, what is that? My sheer inability to accept 'I Am' and the flow of the universe? Likely. This reminds me of the begging of the 'W.' scenario on 'The New Campaign Trail', "So-called ''President'' Bush has been put through the wringer in the two years since the Supreme Court and his brother Jeb stole the 2000 election. Long gone is the promise of the ''reformer with results.'' Instead of the typical honeymoon afforded to real presidents, Dubya has spent the last two years haunted by a dismal approval rating while trying and failing to ram an oxymoronic agenda based on ''compassionate'' ''conservatism'' through Congress." I feel like Bush, irreal, sometimes shattering into a million pieces, not like glass, but like a water balloon on concrete. Regardless! I will not let these petty feelings stop me, I'm gonna process them into contrsuctive things, I have to- or else I face truly falling into an abyss. Change required.

  3. ホドモエシティ 1/23/24-1/26/24

    Well, I just had the best day of my entire life. 1/21/24 was a day of such joy and excellence... It surpasses that one fateful day in 2016, even through that had more influence on my life, as that basically set me on the trajectory towards furthering discovery of the truth. But- that's another story! I'm in theatre class, I'll update later. Updating now, three days later. It's... well, in the fallout from that day, I've had to go in and prevent a friend of mine from collapsing into narcissism, it's proved largely successful, although a mass 'lack of self-worth' crisis remiains within them. If they do not break free of their self-destructive habits, this may trigger the 'exploitation' clause, as this would mean they are simply exploiting my kindness without changing themselves for the better. A triggering of the exploitation clause tends to lead to me having to pull out and focus my energy on persons who actually want to grow, I believe they have it in them, though. They can do it, I just have to continue to help.

  4. Wandering... 1/29/24

    I remember when I was a small child, I would repeatedly ask my relatives to go home, despite the fact that I was, physically, "home", I am not from here. Later on, I would think of myself as an alien, caught up in stories of Zeta Recticulans, Pleadians, Alpha Draconians, Orions... I would often times dream with them. E-eeh, admittedly, the whole thing is rather emberassing to me. But over the past few years, I have been getting visions, last year, I was on page 6 of a book regarding basic biochemistry, hydrocarbons were the topic at hand. Suddenly! Like a flash, I was transported into a yellow room, on the wall, a photo-realistic image of the ocean. When I looked in, I saw evolutionary eternity. Unfortunately, I was transported back. I have never once forgotten it. Now, vast syncronicites have been occuring, particularly with me and this other person. Anyways, in regard to dreams, they have been very prophetic, the dreams I would have in the night would decide my day, they still do. I had a nervous dream last night that sweetened at the end, and so, I had a rather nervous day, which sweetened at the end.

  5. Being a "creepy kid" 3/6/24(Revised)

    Hi, all. It's been a month, and quite a bit has happened. I reached out to the Gnostic Spiritual Alliance(or how my close friend put it, proto-egoism). After a week of nothing, they sent me an email back, the gave me a Zoom link, I joined, and I was greeted by a loquacious middle-aged man named Doug. Almost immediately he asked me if I had parental consent, I didn't, my parents are dyed in the wool religious and condemn any religion that isn't Santeria. I tried telling them, but they went on this "do-gooder" rant about following the law and not going it alone. Still, he showed me a quaint little powerpoint talking about gnosticism and the 4 pillars of what they do, Art, Science, Philosophy, and Mysticism. At the very end, I tried to spread as much of my model of reality as I could, making a monolithic message talking about quantum entanglement, non-locality, and chaos. He sneered, gave a quick chuckle, and said it was not proven. He went and met up with the rest, and they decided... to not let me in due to age concerns. I am contesting the results as I am typing this. In other news, two days in a row I've been referred to as a 'freak' which led to me making this in the first place. The image I used was of a foggy cemetary I took on the way to school today, my gothic friend(non-poser) liked it ^^. (Image removed.)

  6. People suck. 3/8/24

    I know this constitutes misanthropy, but I don't care anymore. People suck, this whole planet sucks. I want to die and I'm tired of pretending that I don't. Everybody around me feels the need to me the most mean, miserable, and horrible people possible. The internet has been my only solace, to them, those great people, they deserve the world and beyond. These people, these honorable souls, are larger, greater people than the others ever could be. This is more than just people being "rude", this is a direct attack on everyone who isn't just like them, like you and me. It is what they have always done. "Freak", "Ew", "Retard", "Loser"... emberassing anyone with a sense of altruism and good-will. If you are reading, and are honorable, a true soul, do not let this discourage you. I may not know you specifically, but I love each and every one of you, regardless. <3

  7. my heart hurts 3/11/24

    Anyways, I had a quite pleasant, uhh- mm- well, I dunno, I spoke to crtscreen(which if you are reading this haiii =3) and I enjoyed it. I explained more about my belief system there than here, to be honest. Here I mostly just complain about the miseries that pervade my life to vent. Also, I'm renaming this into a journal. I do not like the word blog anymore, it tastes like pop rocks.

  8. Do you believe in destiny? 3/14/24

    Happy 'Pi day' everyone. The numbers 397 appear at position 2978 in Pi.

  9. mrrrp 4/1/24

    meowwwwwww

  10. Iconoclasts 4/10/24

    No one forever. Through the winding halls, through the stained windows, the blood-stained drapes and walls which blind and restrict my weak body, how long, how long, my sense of time is ripped away from me, just as my will and volition was, it feels as though this is forever and nothing, it stretches for eternity. Voices whisper in languages and tongues known, all random, I remember nothing, I never will. Perhaps this is all there is, it is. It must be. My muscles tear and blood leaks from my appendages from all the running, I run from nothing and everything, that is all there is. When I look behind, there is nothing. My vision warps, my bones melt, I pray that this is all a dream, I have never dreamt. I never will. "broken", how can anything be broken when nothing is ever full.
      I hate this piece of poetry. It's a cynical word salad originating from the maelstrom in my childish mind.
      I love taking care of people. Every time I can't meet someone in real life to care for them, it makes me want to remove my internal organs. Not in the silly 'putting my gastrointestinal organs in a box! ^-^' thing that originated from all my undiagnosed gastric issues. It tears me by the seams. I know I rally against gender a lot, it's a geist, a delusion of irrational ego, it has always been so, the hermeticists were wrong, but perhaps all this time I was meant to be a girl or something. Unfortunately, motherhood is almost always associated with feminity rather than it being a set of qualities independent from gender. A kind individual told me to practice holotropic breathing, I long for a change to my current perspective, perhaps i'll get stoned, "One eye open in a kingdom of the blind." bottom-up processing, except there is an up. People always say I make no sense, when everything is so seemingly contradictory, it makes you wonder how much objectivity there truly is.

  11. Agnosticism to Everything 4/24/24

    Agnosticism to everything(That isn't rationally proven ;3). Empiricism is extremely falliable, locked behind the senses and perspectives of various consciousnesses(wip)

  12. Boy Dissection 4/29/24

    I had a moment of deep inspiration yesterday, I spoke with an astute individual with interest in the supernatural and the paranormal. They set up an interesting view, they define the supernatural as what effects conventional reality from outside(I stated that this was due to reality appearing to have layers) and the paranormal as things that violate logic. I.e. things randomly dissapearing, 'glitches in the matrix' so to speak. It was cool, I felt very passionate, I wanted to write, I love logic. You know, I experienced a pretty major failure recently, but I don't care anymore. I feel whimsical and full of love. Few believe me, many jump the gun, they deny my accomplishments, pretend that I'm a burden, but I know they are true. Lots seek to punish me but I remain, resilient, unblinking. I am there for many, always, you think I do this for me? No, never.

  13. Love, Blood, Tears. 9/12/24

    Welcome back, you all. <3 Much has happened in the time between now and some months ago, things that have strengthened my resolve, and grounded me within reality. I will begin with the factors leading up to the most chaotic two months of my life. The beginning of summer break was projected to be a time of advance for me, many projects, projected to realize themselves in full splendor. In wake of my ascent, one of my closest friends admitted love to me. They confessed that they want to spend the rest of my life with me, that I was the greatest friend I ever had, and that they desired my hand in marriage some day. I accepted this fully and full-heartedly. The dynamic shifted, passion shared, love confessed, at the same time, I was about to get my license to drive. I was to open a bank account to transfer physical cash as assist one of my(at the time) very, very materially poor friends and reconnect with the gnostic group. It seemed an ever-ascending crescendo, it was all going to be great from here on out. June ninth, 2024. Collapse.(I am using sentence fragments so you know it is serious XP). My mom(so-called, at that time my joyfriend was more of a motherly figure to me) had yelled at me to give her my phone and to place it at her bedside for the night. I was forced to comply or else I would face my phone being checked and her realizing the nature of my soul. Exactly 1:00 in the dead of night, I had unfinished business to conduct with a Discord call, given my duties as a friend having to be there emotionally and soulfully. She found out. I had my phone taken, it was checked thoroughly. She found out nearly everything. From my non-binary identity to the transexual-affirming photo edits. Immediately, I recieved a barrage of attacks. Physical, mental, and emotional. Then, she threatend to call in my father, and she went back to her room. I was in the worst state possible. I was considering ending my life, that this was it, following this? I would never experience any sort of freedom again, I would never speak with my true friends again- friends. Love. I knew I had to keep going, if not for my sake, then theirs. I spent the next two hours planning what to say, devising how I could reunite with my friends despite the trauma, despite knowing that I had two long months(and more) of hurt ahead of me. Even if I could not, I had to stay alive until I could again. I turned to my Nintendo Switch, was this it? The key? Could it access the internet? I configured the DNS, tuning into whatever browser I could. (https://www.switchbru.com/dns/) <- This arose. Discord did not work. It would not allow for log-ins, a crushing blow. I felt desperate, desperate for something, someone, anybody to speak with. 988, the suicide hotline. I tried, and I waited, twenty minutes, switchbooru was logged out due to limitations by Nintnedo. I tried again, no one picked up. Again, no one... it was comical, looking back at it now. Likely the most important thing, the number which has to pick up... dead silence. By the time I went for yet another time, it was too late, my dad was home. I recieved the beating of my LIFE. I will not elaborate further on this as it is still rather traumatic. At the end of it all, my phone was shattered and destroyed. I looked for whatever I could, until- I found it. An abandoned tablet, I connected to it, and made an entirely new account. I told everyone I held dear, I was showered with strength and support, akin to the Flowey fight, one of them even offered to help me run away, seeing the incoming hell to be raised. My joyfriend prayed day and night for me, offering consolation, telling me to keep going. I did. I had not a suicidal bone in my body. Only drive to keep going, to keep existing, for I had those who needed me, and those who love me.

  14. 17776, Linux/UNIX, Crossdressing. 9/13/24-9/16/24

    I'm a total Debian Lesbian, which is ironic because Debian is a portmanteau of Debra and Ian, a heterosexual couple. It's a swelling fixation. Before this, I used to run a debloated version of Windows. This is far better, I love customizing everything and I have a talent for straightening out bugs in terminal. Whenever a website has extensive customization settings, I basically fall in love. The shackles are off, a computer changed forever. Debian should cover more WiFi cards, however. It was very chaotic having to install an entirely new kernel just to cover this. But, whatever, whatever, I love it. A great affront to corporate bullshit. You think any Apple or Windows operating system could ever do this? I don't think so! Anyways, 17776, wow, when I first read it, I felt somewhat of a shift, I was always accustomed to the thought of long time scales, since I was a child I imagined how it would feel to live for a thousand years, but only after reading did it truly sink in... true post-scarcity, an anarchist society based upon preservation of what was, of what little time we have, extended forever. NinexJuice btw(kidding, none of the characters are ships to me). I'm such a strange girl... I promised speak of cross-dressing so here goes, skirts are great. I love skirts a lot, and I rock them supremely well. I feel like Nine a lot of the time, discovering everything, how people talk, how people walk, questioning why I am in this body, why is this my body? I feel like a different creature, yet my body is assigned human. Why? Is the fact I consider anything different from any other a byproduct of my animalian genetics? What is the difference? Everything can be summed up as energy with different structures, but aside from structure what makes things seperate from another? Even if one presumes there is some... spiritual, soupy reality outside of the material, does energy not comprise this as well? Nothing seperates one "thing" from another aside from how it is labeled. Perhaps the realization of this makes me less human. Perhaps the realization of the realization that this makes me more and less human makes me less human. It doesn't matter./neut This isn't an issue I have to 'figure out', because of how irrelevant it is. I'll just find myself in a tautological loop until the end of time.